Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy.......
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the
one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the %&*) out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Mars and Venus
Now this is a scary topic! Since the beginning of time the battle of the sex's has raged. I was told by my Grandfather, that this joke came from God's own lips in the Garden Of Eden.
ADAM and EVE, day 4.
One day, as was God's custom, He came to the garden to walk with Adam and Eve and talk over the day's events. Adam was waiting at the Gardens gate, and as God approached, Adam asked if they could talk today... without Eve? God asked Eve if it was going to alright and Eve said that was fine.
Adam waited until they were a ways down the path and started by saying, "God, I have a few questions for you about this Eve thing." God said, "Go ahead Adam."
Adam started by saying he really liked her and all, but some things had changed since she showed up. "What's then is the problem?" God asked.
"Well," he paused... "Why did you make Eve so soft? She's not any good for any real work in the garden." God responded, "I made her soft so you would want to touch her." Adam thought for a minute and decided that was good.
Adam then asked, " Well why did you make her so beautiful? We don't wear any clothes down here and this beautiful naked woman is a huge distraction." God responded, "I wanted you to enjoy looking at her." Adam realized that was a good thing.
But then Adam asked the real question that had been bothering him. "Well then, why did you make her so stupid?" God responded, "Because I wanted her to like you!"
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down, to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 -- These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the
A New Wives Store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Why Men Lie
One day while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, he dropped his axe into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep.
The woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter cried, "Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Anniston. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Anniston, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Anniston."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it!
The Fair Genie.
There was a homeless man walking on the beach early one morning looking for anything he could get money for so he could buy some food and eat that day. As he l walked his foot hit something in the sand. He dug this jar out and while wiping it off, watched a genie come out of the jar.
He stood there stunned as the genie began to speak. “I am the genie in the jar. I will grant you 3 wishes, but must inform you that I am a fair genie. Anything you ask you will have, but to the person you have anger and bitterness towards, that person shall receive twice as much as you so you can learn to give to those who have hurt you.”
The genie continued, “I sense great bitterness toward your ex-wife.” The man told the genie how the last 2 years of divorce court cost him everything that his ex-wife didn’t take, and now he was penniless and homeless.
The genie was happy to help this poor man and said he could begin with his 3 wishes now. The man blurted out, “I need money.” The genie asked, “How much?” and the man responded, “A million… no 5 million dollars.” The genie said, “OK, just remember your ex-wife is getting 10 million dollars,” and the man said, “Fine, just do it.”
Poof… there was 5 million dollars in a pile so big the man was astounded to see that kind of cash.
He then thought about being homeless, and told the genie he wanted a big 10 bedroom mansion right here on the beach; swimming pool, game room and all.
Poof… there was a huge home on the beach with a really big place next store. The genie pointed and said, “That’s your ex-wife’s,” and the man nodded.
The genie said, “This is your third and final wish, choose carefully.” The man stopped for a long while to think. The genie was feeling pretty good about the change in the man’s attitude, but was a bit surprised when the man asked, “Can you beat me half to death?”
A man goes shopping for his 6-year-old daughter and decides to check out the Barbie dolls at the toy store. As he walks in, a young woman asks if he needs any help. He tells her he is shopping for a Barbie doll for his daughter.
The clerk takes him to the dolls and the man is surprised to see SOOOO MANY different Barbie’s to choose from. He asks the clerk to explain the differences.
She says, “This is Summer Barbie – $19.95. This is Christmas Barbie – $19.95. This is our wedding Barbie – $19.95. This is our divorced Barbie – $245.00 and this is…”
The man interrupts the clerk and asks, Why are all the Barbie’s $19.95, and the divorced one is $245.00?”
The clerk says, “Well sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture and everything else he owned, silly.”
Man In The Bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of wiskey. He sits there for a minute and pulls something out of his shirt pocket, looks and puts it back while calling to the bartender to get him another drink.
This goes on for a while and as the man is ordering his ninth shot the bartender says, "I've seen you do this nine times now and I'm really currious what you look at before ordering each time."
The man replies, "It's a picture of my wife. I know I've had too much to drink when she starts to look good to me."
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." - Jilly Cooper
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
THE PRICE OF BRAINS
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking
tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at
this time is a brain transplant. It is an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will
have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence, and so to the entire group said, "It is just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."