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  Music Jokes

Greg Vail





Music Jokes, the list goes on...



A few thoughts from Greg.


Many of the jokes that started this page came from an email and many are pretty old. The beauty of these jokes is found in the remembering of jokes once loved, and the situation comedy caused by changing the content of the joke to cover the listener.


Like most jokes, you can have a great time telling them when changing the person in the joke to the guy that just slammed your instrument. The following is an example of a joke told to slam the leader of the band I was working with. It was very funny and I did not get fired "That Time."


The Jazz Frog... a personal favorite.


One day a beautiful Princess walked through the castle gardens and noticed something strange. She watched a bullfrog hop toward her, stop at her feet and say,” Hi Babe." Startled, she stepped back and said, "Did you say something?" and the frog replied, "Ya, Hi Babe."


She, being a Princess, remembered the story of the frog and the Prince. She said, “So you’re a talking frog?” The frog said, “Yes, and if you kiss me I’ll turn into a…” The Princess interrupts and says “Prince?” The frog says, “No, I’m a special frog. I will turn into a Jazz Pianist!”


The Princess took the frog, put him in her purse, and went into the castle with this newfound prize. When she took the frog out and put him on the dresser, He puckered up and said, “We’ll how’s about it?”


The Princess looked at him, thought a second and said, “You know, I’ve been thinking about it and you are worth a whole lot more as a talking frog!”


It was told to me as a 'Jazz Musician', and I have changed it to every conceivable instrument or style for the sake of a laugh.


Musician Jokes


A man walks into a Music City pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can write and arrange for small combos and groups up to 16 pieces," answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500. It knows Jazz and Classical music. He can improvise or play technically difficult solos."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3,000," answers the store owner.

"3,000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that
one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Band Leader."


A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."




After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce that they're getting a divorce.

The kids are totally distraught and pay for a session with the world's most famous marriage counselor as a last stab at keeping their parents together.

The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't even talk to each other.

Finally he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to play.

After a minute, the couple start talking. The therapist keeps soloing on the bass and the couple discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.

The kids are amazed and ask the doctor how he managed to do it.

He replies, "I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."
(drum flam)


Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.


Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.


Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"


Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.


Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.


Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.


Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.


Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.


Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.


Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.


Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.


Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.


Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.


Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.


Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.


Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.


Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.


Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.


Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at
the same time.


Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.


Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two
chords?
A: A music critic.


Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.


Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.


Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."


Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.


Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.


Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?

A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.


Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force
everyone to move out of range.


Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One"


Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.


Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.


Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say,
"Phhhwt! I can do that!"


Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."


Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.


Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for
difficult runs.


Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.


Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.


Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.


Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.


Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.


Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?


Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.


Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?
A: Mozart.


Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato


Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.


Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.


Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.


Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.


Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.


Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.


Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.


Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!


Opera singer - Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!


Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.


Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.


Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: A trombonist with a beeper.


Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.


Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.


Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.


Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.


Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.


Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.


Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.


Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.


Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"


Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.




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Greg Vail Email Contact -- gvsaxboy@aol.com